Okay, I’m not gonna lie.
I’m half freaking out and half doing the Happy Dance around the living room.
You guys, I got a new job.
Don’t tell the tater tot.
Everyone remain calm.
Remember that post I wrote last month? No? Good.
Because we don’t want my new employers to read it just yet. So far as I know, they haven’t figured out that they’ve hired a blogger, and until we know exactly where their sense of humor lies, we don’t want to shoot ourselves right in the foot by shooting off our mouth.
You know what I mean? Good.
Turns out, the world is a crazier place than even I imagined, and airplanes do fall from the sky and land on the freeway and now my newly licensed son can stop rolling his eyes over my repeated pleas for him to “look left, right, left, up, and down before proceeding through the intersection” because yes, aliens might land in front of you, you just never know.
And also, jobs fall from the sky.
I had no idea and I pinkie promise to stop rolling my eyes so hard that a blog falls out.
Anyway, this job is top secret until I’m actually sitting in a chair, doing it. It involves a highly reputable employer and I will be doing public services for the greater good and probably I will have a Super Suit.
I was finger-printed and drug screened and background checked and my new boss, though delighted that I passed, is obviously going about this whole investigation wrong.
Some employers look into social media accounts in order to see the real person they’re about to hire. Possibly, mine would have raised a couple of eyebrows.
But, had my children been contacted, a completely different and highly checkered past would have surfaced.
Kids? What kids? Nope, no kids here…
Hush money will be wielded in the form of a giant batch of monkey bread.
(Recipe to follow later this month, assuming it works.)
So far as I have ascertained, I will be taking calls from upset and irritated random people.
That may explain why I’m being rushed through the hiring process.
And also why they seem to like me so much.
But I must admit, taking upset and irritated calls happens to be my specialty.
I have an established protocol with a high rate of success for them.
We’ll need to stock up on gummy bears, chocolate chip cookies, and pink puff balls.
They don’t hand out Super Suits to just anybody.