Good morning and thank you for calling the Mother’s Day Hotline.
Please listen carefully, as our menu has definitely changed.
If you are considering parenthood, you’d better press 1.
If you think that five kids are the perfect number of offspring, press 2.
If you are currently surrounded with toddlers, please press 3.
If you wore actual pajamas and a burp cloth in public yesterday, press 4.
If the words “this is your last warning!” was issued three warnings ago, please press 5.
If you think you are still cool enough to do the same activities as your middle school kid, please press 6.
If you now communicate with your offspring through text, please
dial push press 7. click tap
If you no longer recognize your child beneath the teenager disguise, please press 8.
If you have been wondering about your own mother lately, better press 9.
If you, yourself, are a now Grandmothering, please press pound.
If you are parenting fur-babies, please press star.
If you are a MOTHER. If you are a LIFER. If you OWN this. Press here.
Thank you for calling the Mothers Day Hotline. Enjoy your toast and tea. See you again soon.