Good morning, and thank you for calling the Mother’s Day Hotline.
Please excuse the dust, as our hotline has been out of commission for so long, phones are now wristwatches. Or maybe eyeglasses? But so far as I can tell… kids still show up in the good old-fashioned way.
If you were the perfect mom…. until you had kids, please press 1.
If you are pregnant and searching for baby names, please press 2.
If you are currently surrounded with toddlers, please press 3.
If you are mothering elementary school age children, please press 4.
If you’re having a hard time getting your kids to eat, please press 5.
If the words “this is your last warning!” was issued three warnings ago, please press 6.
If your teens have made a strike towards independence, please press 7.
If you just need to unwind (un-wine?) with a girlfriend, please press 8.
If you need ideas for your own mother, please press 9.
If you need a reminder that you are rocking this mom gig, please press the pound key.
However. If you are Grandmothering… press this one for extra credit.
Thank you for calling the Mothers Day Hotline. Enjoy your tea. Be kind to yourself. Breathe. You are the best mama ever. ❤️